Tiny Tim and piss-poor Ponting

Tiny Timmy Ambrose. Ahhh look at him; so tiny, so ickle… indeed so small he hasn’t even got any hair to add that all important “and an eighth” when anyone asks how tall he is. I have an affinity for Mr Ambrose and it ain’t because of our height. I’m 6′ 3″ and the last time we posed for a picture together (that’s us there – I think he’s standing on a box) I nearly missed him.

But I wrote his song you see. Now to be fair I’m not expecting Lloyd Webber on the blower any minute to see if I can do a Tim Rice-esque job for him but all the necessary elements of a Barmy Army song were there…. Juvenile. Tick. Crap? Tick. Very very catchy (the most important thing)? Tick.

Not only that, but he loves it and I know because he told me so. He also told me that he hopes we are going to be mates for a very long time. Let’s be real he wouldn’t recognise me again if he saw me and he was referring more to the fact that he hopes has a long Test career, but as I kiss his picture every night before I go to bed I….. oops gone too far.

Anyway I was thinking of him today not in a long lost friend kind of way but because he has replaced Phil Mustard in the one-day team. Bless Phil Mustard as well. Tried to have a chat with him once but couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Still don’t know whether it was because of his accent or because he was drunk or because I was drunk.

One person I have no blessings for is Ricky Ponting. According to Cricinfo he only scored 0.004 points per 1,000 dollars in their scoring system. Ha. Double ha because he was obviously so pissed off when the poor little sod only earned $400,000 dollars in the bidding. “I could end up being the bargain buy of the tournament, you never know,” he said at the time. Or you could be the worst value for money player in the entire tournament. If only the Ashes were this year we could write a song about that, but you know he’ll score bucketloads next year and ruin our chance. So in the meantime:

Ponting joined the IPL hurrah, hurrah
Ponting joined the IPL hurrah, hurrah
Ponting joined the IPL, 400 grand was not so swell
But he said I’ll score a load of runs, and prove the money men wrong.

Ponting joined the IPL hurrah, hurrah
Ponting joined the IPL hurrah, hurrah
Ponting joined the IPL, 39 runs oh bloody hell
Two golden ducks and not much else, the money men weren’t wrong

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